It is not so motivational to write about pain at 6.46 a.m before going to work. Yesterday I received a news one of my fav person committed suicide. Not the person I know personally but the person I look up to. Some of us out there in so much pain, some are telling their pain to their partners, some telling their pain through their song, some telling their pain through the behavior, and some just keep it to themselves. What if we just take a deep breath and listen. Sometimes, it does not take much to console a person. Just, be a good ear. Human being is fragile, this life is fragile.

Do you ever have a thought of bring it to the end yourself? I did. When things did not work, I want things to end. I cannot bear another disappointment, I cannot bear another tests, I said. But here I am, still fighting. I do not know what ahead of me, either it will be rainbow or rain, I anticipated them both. That what makes it feels alive. Yes, some people out there seems to have it all. But who knows their pain. Just celebrate your life.

Commit suicide, will not end the pain but just relaying the pain to others who loved you. Your parents, your siblings, your friends. It is wrong on every level. Think of those who loved you. Those who already taken their own life, I do not know what to say, just rest in peace and I know you tried hard. For those who still alive, talk to somebody, try harder. That good day will come to you.





She is very passionate about something, in fact, she loved it.

why she never make it full time and make money out of something that she loves to do.

She thinks about it many times.

more than she can remember.

about when to make the first move.

But she could not bring herself to do what she love because the afraid of rejection. She afraid of failure. She is counting the profit and loss. She is worrying about either she can make it or not.

But she forget that staying dormant brings nothing. Rejection means something. Rejections means she makes the first move, which millions of people out there fail to do. Rejection means she still have space to grow, become better. Rejections means she is brave compare to other person out there who too afraid to make the move and just reading articles about others success instead.

She misunderstand the word rejection. So she stay where she is.




Am I lost? A question kept asking myself. I still cant get that job I want and the kind of life I want. This was me few months ago.

I kept arguing with myself that I am not good enough. Not good enough for the company I wanted to work with, doing not good enough with all the job interviews I attended. I even foolishly thought that my decision to pursue my master degree was the dumbest decision I’ve ever made in my life. No 1 will hire someone with master degree in this economic current situation.  I should stop pursuing my education after I get that degree. I should try to get some working experience, maybe with that I can eventually earned money and I can buy small house, comfortable car and settle down.

Settle down. That was what I want. I am too tired.

I define success as having all the money and have fun with it. 

I define success as being an important person in a high prestige company.

I define success as being recognize by people around me. 

So, my definition of success triggered me to think that I am a total failure. I am not in the same circle with successful people. And because of the ill feeling toward myself, I kept wondering on what can I do to achieve all that,achieve my definition of success. I kept thinking that I am so unfortunate.


One day, I went to state library. I come across this book with the title, ; living the significant life (cr to the author, I forgot the author’s name, I am sorry). I read the book really slow, try to understand what the author tried to deliver and it touched me.

I am so wrong. I just where I need to be. I am not a failure. I tried hard, just some of it did not work out but that does not define me as a total failure.

As I go through the book, I found myself again. The old me. The bubbly me. The optimist me. The happy me. The hardworking me.

I need to quote a sentence from the book, which is very important to me. (cr to the author)

‘Success is what happens to you; significance is what happens through you’

p/s I encouraged you to Spend some time to read the book. It is really a great book. Life changing, well at least it change my views on myself, and life. 🙂



Middle income family? Yes. I am from middle income family and it was hard to continue my degree with our current situation. But my parents, heart of gold. They let me study, with one condition.

‘Go, we pay for the first semester, then for the next semester? You figure it out on your own’

So, I grab that opportunity. But how will I pay for the next semester?. YES!! Correct!! I made study loan. (yaaa.. the famous one, PTPTN). So basically, the first semester fully funded my dad, the second semester funded through the education loan I made. BUT. I am not satisfied with it, because I have made the same loan before for my diploma. I don’t think bury yourself with debt will be good for the future. I need to do something.

So, I made the decision through shower after shower (Ya. I made good decision in bathroom) haha. I need to step up the game. Guess what was my resolution?


The earth, the demon, the fishes, all reptiles and amphibians.. all laughing at my resolution. Haha. Dumb. How a person who loves sleep so much can do THAT good in her studies? LOL. Not going to happen.


I breathe in, and out (like other living things), gather myself together and recognize my enemy.

My enemy who let me sleep all day.

My enemy who let me watch movies all day without doing any revision.

Sleep, eat, sleep, eat.


That enemy is ME. Okay this is war. I will fight myself to get that CGPA and most important that scholarship. So, the first factor that I need work on is TIME. So I reduce the amount of time I sleep, I watch movies and other fun things. Instead I replace it with the most boring activities on earth which are REVISION,STUDY, DOING ASSIGNMENT.

So the biggest questions? Is it working? Can I reduce the fun time?

YES. I can. Difficult, but I did. How?. Simple word. “REALIZATION”


I realized my parents work days and night for me.

I realized by getting the scholarship, I can reduce the burden of my parents.

I realized by getting the scholarship, I be able to reduce MYSELF from all the debt.

I realized by getting that good CGPA, it might help me secure a good job in future.


The REALIZATION of where I stand made me able to reduce the fun time. I still watch movies, drama and sleep BUT after I settled with all the important stuff.

Behold!! Here comes the final exams week. Ughhh.. I need good sleep, I need good grades. I can do this. At least that what I kept telling myself. Haha. Every single papers I need to attend, I study hard for it. (well.. more like smart and hard). So the final exam weeks ended. I went home, then 1 and half months passed just like that. Very fast.

**tutt..tutt* (I own no smartphone at that moment. Couldn’t afford 1. Haha)

My friend called.

‘Have you checked your email today?. The result is coming out today’.

*play cool*

‘O ya.. I will checked later. Thanks..’

Do you really think we ended the call after I said ‘thanks’?. Haha. Nope. The phone call lasts forever but we don’t discuss the result, we gossiping. That what best friends do right?. Haha.

So, after dinner with my family. I reach for my laptop, and log in to my email. Hands all sweaty, heart running, breathe escalating.. loading.. loading… loading.. There it is! Email from university. So I click to read the email..


I read the email.. *scroll down*..6 subjects..*scroll down* Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Pass. Alhamdullilah.. all pass. But what about the CGPA??! *scroll down*


YES!! YES!! YES!! I DID IT! (I scream silently. I don’t want the neighbors to complain)


Boo ya demons, all amphibians, all reptiles! I did it! Haha.

So I deliver the good news to my mom and dad. I saw something that I wish I can record and play it again and again so that I can look at that smile, the twinkle in their eyes forever. They smile and said..

‘Congratulations! We know you can do it’.


Someone said ‘Your narrative is your narrative’. And this is my story how I changed myself in order to provide myself with better financial for my studies and help reduce the burden of my parents. I want to highlight on how I started. I started with recognizing my NEEDS, the HOW and my ENEMY to reach it.

Need:  I humbly accept that I come from middle family, and I need support in terms of financial for my education.

How: Get that good CGPA to get the scholarship

Enemy: Myself. (summary: a person who had too much fun. More than she needed) haha.

So, after all that, do I get the scholarship? I will write about that journey in my next post.


p/s Mind share your biggest changes you do to your life that makes your life better? ;


In case u are still searching. Your search might come down to search for good job, search for good articles for your assignment, search for good house to rent, search good partner, search for good colleges, search for impressive thesis title, search for an outfit to impress. U named it. We are always searching. Some of you might experience of searching of something unknown. But why we are still searching?

Some said when you stop searching means u stop living. Can we just stay or embrace what we have now without searching for something else? Trust me or not, sometimes we found what we search, BUT that thing are not good for us. We spent years after years searching for it but when we found it, it is not good for us. Then we start to SEARCH again. Ughhh!! human. Dont we learned?

But I guess that what makes we search at the first place. What we are now, where we are now, what we have now, the position, the house, the money we earned, are lacking. Lacking in something. And that SOMETHING come down to HAPPINESS.

Happiness. open up dictionary guys. Ask your partner, ask your parents, ask your friends or maybe avoid the hard work and just ask yourself . Millions of people with different definition of happiness. Big cars, big dream, fancy cloth, good skin, being famous, good job, good pay. while my definition of happiness is wayyy too broad. Haha.

Happiness is when I finally get to meet my friends after long time.

Happiness if when I finally revealed good news to my mom about how I score in my studies and she smiled.

Happiness is when my dad come home.

Happiness is when my parents healthy.

Happiness is when I am healthy.

Happiness is when I eat. (duhh, who doesnt)

Happiness is when I can see stars in my students eyes when they finally understands something.

Happiness is when my students pass their tests.

Happiness is when taeyeon/Girls generation come out with new album/ song. haha

There is no end to it. I cant just put my type of ‘happiness’ in a sentence. We are made that way, my friend. Searching.. and searching.. . Trust me. We will settle down. When our heart stop beating.

Okay. Enough rant. 🙂

p/s Mind share of your TYPE of Happiness? 🙂


I know whats in your mind. but nope! . This is not because of 13 reasons why but because of 13 hours free time I had. 🙂

o ya! so I started to make use of the money that I earn to pay for the internet bills on something else more benefiting?. so tada!! a blog.

out of all things, why blog?

because, I can write all i want!!

so basically I u come across this blog, u basically have come across something that i already experienced in my life. (& u are curious about it)

Students life, work-life, or anything that gave impacts to my life, I assume. No-uh, no relationship kinda thing (shh.. want to write about that too, but not an experts. Blame the overthinking habit).

so ya, earthlings.. Here I am. Exposing my journey, on Earth.